Turn Your Yard Into a Dirt Farm

- Tired of maintaining plant life in your yard?
- Want to make some extra cash selling dirt and dust?
- Did they make you read The Grapes of Wrath in High School?
- Ever thought of raising camels?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then you may be interested in our step by step dirt farm process. Just follow our simple instructions and all of your dirt farm dreams will be realized. Within weeks you can have your own profitable and enjoyable dirt farm that may (or may not) produce actual profits and/or enjoyment.

1. The first step is to fall under the misapprehension that you can improve upon the grass that grows naturally in your back-yard (you cannot) . This is like thinking you can improve the salt water off your local beach. Mother Nature has spent eons determining the grass that is most suitable to the conditions of your yard. It may be the back-hair of grass, but it is yours. Fight it all you want, long after you have departed your mortal form, your yard will still be covered with back-hair. Just like your back.


The back hair of grass. Though this may look bleak, after you see the end result, this will look like Ireland during a wet spring.


2. The next step is to remove all forms of organic life from your yard. If at all possible, you should employ the most inefficient, dangerous and environmentally harmful method available. Naturally controlled burning would be your first choice. However, in disadvantageous burning conditions, you may have to select an alternate method. We used a hand-held tiller. Hand-held is to tiller as bite-sized is to sea urchin. The main difference between tilling and burning is that fire doesn't hurt when it hits a rock.

Don't forget mammals when removing life forms from the yard. If you have a dog that loves the yard, and you have no way of keeping her out of it, you must sit her down and tell her, in plain English, that she should not walk into the yard anymore. After that, you should speak with the birds.

Once you have vibrated the filings from your mouth and you have honed the earth to a suitable degree, so that nothing remains but dirt - pure, unfiltered dirt, you should pay someone to supply the crucial ingredient... dirt!

Readers who have become familiar with the recurring dramatic themes in this blog will recognize, in the adding of dirt to dirt, a leitmotif characterized by the futile relocation of geological objects, the moving of rocks, the digging of holes and so on. Typically this leitmotif is used to introduce the well known and much beloved character, "Cousin Doug".


Cousin Doug adds 22 piles of dirt, to... the dirt.

Each pile counts as repayment of .0023% of Doug's debt incurred as a result of this event.




After painstakingly raking every particle of new dirt, we were able to recreate the exact look of the yard before any dirt had been added.




Finally, one of the local merchants was able to convince us that, if we sprayed soaking wet clumps of green paper on top of the fresh dirt, grass would miraculously spring from the mix. Sounds good right?! How much for that?!


Apparently we will pay money for anything.


In the next installment.....


The Ruedigs frolic on their verdant new lawn!

uh.. It's still dirt.